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The Unnecessary Stress of Elf on the Shelf
Is all this work really necessary?
I was wandering through a Barnes & Noble about five years ago when I stumbled upon a giant display of something called “Elf on the Shelf.” Despite the box referring to it as “A Christmas Tradition,” I’d never heard of it. Who is this red-clothed elf? And what does he want with my shelf?
Turns out, Elf on the Shelf is a Big Brother-esque character who shows up each morning to watch over children and determine whether they should be on Santa’s naughty or nice list. Santa’s busy, you see, what with the skyrocketing increase in global population, so he needs little elves to help him spy on kids around the world — or at least spy on those suburban kids whose parents have enough money to spend on yet another asinine Christmas fad.
Anyway, the story is that the Elf remains still in one place all day long, and then when children are asleep at night, he — or she, Santa has an equitable workplace — flies back to the North Pole to dish on everything the little ones are doing. They’re basically like covert CIA operatives, but in way cuter outfits.
The next day, when the kiddos wake up, they find their Elf is in a different location in the house. Their very special friend flew all the way back from the North Pole and chose a new perch from which to take mental notes. It’s magic!
To ensure kids keep their grubby little hands off the Elf (and thus learn too quickly that this “magical elf” is really just a plastic doll, which would lead to an entire unraveling of the Santa folklore), there’s a book that comes with the Elf that explains how critical it is to NEVER TOUCH IT.
In other words, “You touch the Elf, you don’t get toys.”
It’s a twisted tale that fits right in with the entire Santa legend.
That Fateful Day
So, there I was, in the store, eyeing the stack of Elf on the Shelf dolls when it hit me just how insane this item is.
